Texas Chainsaw Manicure
Monday, Feb. 09, 2004 // 9:09 pm
I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. Sometimes I think about the family I would start and how many kids I would have but then it all comes down to thinking I wouldn't be a good parent. Kids don't like me, at least Dana doesn't. I don't want her growing up hating me and stuff. We'll probably be pretty distant anyways because of the age gap.
And then I keep thinking I have schizophrenia, ADD or bi-polar disorder. What is that! Why do I keep thinking I have these mental problems?! Yes, I should just stop self-diagnosing. Yes, I am aware of the damage that could do. But, this does sound like me: "The disease distorts the senses, making it very difficult for the individual to tell what is real from what is not real" (schizophrenia).
Today was all right, I guess. I thought I was going to cry when Michael and his friends read a note I wrote to my friend Kelsey. It said stuff about Michael in it and they all made fun of me liking Michael. Throughout the whole day I kept seeing him stare at me but let's just face it that I'm ugly.
Ah, kickin' back and listening to Echoes by Pink Floyd. Such a good twenty-three minute song. I went to the school library today and I got a book on manic depression, schizophrenia, Bob Marley and Gone With the Wind. Clark Gable finally! I wanted Catcher In The Rye so bad but it must have been misplaced.
Michael also made fun of me because he saw me crying the other night. My mother only yelled at me, she was going to call that guy's dad and cuss him out but I don't know if I want her to. I can just call him papa's boy at school but how 'bout not? I get made fun of just enough. I got called G.I. Jen three times and kicked a kid... then I got called "sargeant" and elbowed a kid. Bitches. They just love the piss off the ninj. They love to see me have an anger attack.
I'll snap someday and take revenge out on them.
P.S. Last night they had I Wanna Hold Your Hand LIVE by the Beatles on MTV and I freaked out just like the girls in the stage. My sister was looking at me funny.